Why Dad is so so important!

Duh.  Of course Dad is important.

At the same time, when one is encouraging a Dad to be more involved (or helping a Mom who may not be on great terms with Dad to keep him involved) with his kids, it can be helpful to have a few facts at one’s fingertips.

Here are two of my favorite research findings brought to you courtesy of http://www.fatherhood.gov.

• Research shows that even very young children who have experienced high father involvement show an increase in curiosity and in problem solving capacity. Fathers’ involvement seems to encourage children’s exploration of the world around them and confidence in their ability to solve problems.
  • Pruett, Kyle D. 2000. Fatherneed: Why Father Care is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child. New York: Free Press.
• When non-custodial fathers are highly involved with their children’s learning, the children are more likely to get A’s at all grade levels.
  • National Center for Education Statistics. October 1997. Fathers’ Involvement in Their Children’s Schools; National Household Education

In other words, does Dad want a smart kid with great grades?  Then be there to play, go hiking, listen to music and toss a football!  Oh yah, and come to parent-teacher conferences as well!

P.S.  Want an inspiring and  fun resource for dads looking to get serious about spending time with their kids?   Check out this blog — http://www.AdventureDad.org

Staying focused

It is easy to lose focus in therapy.   Therapy can become a meandering journey, a bit of a boat adrift in the sea of life struggles — tossed and turned with each new week.

Or therapy can set a clear destination – a goal, a distant shore towards which each session in it’s own way is heading you closer.

There are several ways I like to help my clients (and me!) make sure we all know where the boat is headed and that the course we are charting will take us towards that destination.

1.  Early in treatment articulate a clear goal.  Sometimes this will be a vision of what “better” might look like.  For other people a laundry list of concerns that will be resolved.  In other situations it may be relief from symptoms like depression, anxiety or marital tension.  Every so often is a new skill set– parenting skills, marriage skills, boss-management skills.

2.  I review this goal before each session to make sure that the course I am charting is heading us towards our destination.

3.  I often encourage clients to pursue treatment in blocks of about 5 sessions.  Move towards the goal for a handful (or handful plus) of sessions, then re-group.  Sometimes the re-group is a pause in treatment.  Sometimes it is just a few moments in a session to look at where we’ve been and where we are going.

I find being clear about the destination to be particularly important to keep right at the fore when working with people who come to therapy with a broad range of things that just aren’t working in their lives and/or longstanding history of depression, anxiety or other mental health challenges.  There can be so many directions to explore, so many different ports that one might go calling in.  However, by visiting them all, one risks losing momentum.  Better, I think to pick a destination, sail to it, savor it.

And then one can always pick a new port to go calling next!

The chicken or the egg?

As someone who has done quite a bit of work with both children and with parents, I often find myself trying to decide which is the more optimal point to intervene — with parents or with their children.

For example, when a teen is struggling in school,  in part because things are tense at home where is the best starting point?

Certainly getting direct help for the teen is important.  Providing academic support, an open ear, and tools for problem solving about how to keep one’s own life stable and healthy is of the essence.

At the same time, help as close to the source of the problem tends to be quite effective.  That would suggest working with the parents.  Likewise, any professional help is going to have some limited time-frame.  Parents are forever.  Thus, helping parents to get to a place they can provide the kind of help their child needs might have more longevity.

Every time I start to ponder this question, I realize the answer is the chicken AND the egg come first.  Yes, get kids direct help.  And, yes, get parents better resources too.

In the end, I think the right question is  not parent or child, but what for the parents and what for the children.  If all of us working with parents made sure to always ask “what am I also doing for the child?”  And, if all of us working with children made sure to always ask “what am I doing the parents?” maybe we’d have less cracked eggs and more healthy chickens in this world.

Preventing affairs

Affairs are horrible painful.  They are painful for the couple.  They are miserable for children who find out what happened.  And, for the most part, they also end up being terribly painful for the “third leg.”

And, at the same time, affairs are one of the most preventable causes of marital distress.

How?

Four simple rules:

1. Save conversations about anything intimate, revealing, special, exciting etc for your spouse.
2. Know your family history.  If your parent(s) cheated, you need to be particularly alert to avoid making their mistakes.
3. Try to be home with your family for dinner.  If you have to travel or do business dinners be very careful!
4. Stay away from ex’s and old friends of the opposite sex– especially if you just rediscovered them.
5. Be open and honest when either of you have situations that start to feel uncomfortably charged or concerning.
6. Keep your marriage strong, intimate and loving.

Want to test you savvy?  Click on the picture or here for a fun interactive quiz.

When the problem is big . . .

Sometimes it’s not a mole hill.  It’s a real genuine mountain that is up ahead.

Somehow when one is facing a mountain, it is easier to focus on things like how angry you are that your spouse isn’t doing their part, or how anxious you are about crossing the first little stream.

There is a better strategy.  Look at the whole mountain.  Put the full problem on the table.  Map it out.  In detail.  What is the complete story?  What are all the treacherous spots you are facing?  What are all the pieces that worry you?

And most important, who is on your team.  Because if your spouse is on your team, it is so critical to remember that even when the going gets tough, they are still doing their part to climb that darned hill.

And then, start climbing.  One foot at a time.  Slow and steady. Forward and upward!